Hey there world!
Welcome to my first, of hopefully many, blog entry! First of all, I am using you. That’s right reader, I am in fact using you. Just wanted to go ahead and let you know where we stood with each other before we continued. For those of you still left reading, please allow me to explain myself. I am awful with keeping a journal and, really commitment in general. So my hope is with trying a new medium I might be able to keep to this one.
You see, my life has taken an interesting turn. The kind of turn that makes you re-evaluate your situation, your job, and your life propose. You know, THAT kind of turn. I thought I would try to take advantage of these recent events and try to make some better choices. Thinking that maybe if I documented my journey along the way that someone, somewhere could get some inspiration from my experiences.
What I have been doing up to now can be summed up in one word, survival. Its been all about what job can take care of me for the longest, where to get money, who not to piss off. While these are important things, they have also have been all I known. While I was surviving, I was not living. I was just technically not dead.
What spurred this recent realization is that life has recently been having fun kicking me in the pants. I have become estranged from my family, dating life turned into a massive flop, had a terrible bed bug infestation that took most of my worldly possessions, lost almost all connections with friends, and, as I am writing this, I am having my job ripped from my hands. ‘Well what is special about you?’ You may be asking ‘Everyone gets their ass kicked by life sometimes.’ You may be saying. To that I say you are completely right. There is nothing special about my situation compared to anyone else. Not a thing. Everyone has a sob story, everyone has circumstances that suck, and we are all seemingly just in some sort of competition to beat each other for a massive pity party.
I am not here to complain (well maybe a little bit) I want to make a change. I want to start trying some new things, meet new people, and to start following my dreams. What all that means, I have yet to really figure out. If I may give a little back story.
There where two things I loved as a kid, robots and cop shows. Maybe even merging the the two to make a robot cop show (Robot cop the TV show?). I always thought that machines were super cool. How they move and all the little intricacies blew my tiny still developing mind. As far as cop shows go, I took my love for them from my Mom and Dad because every night there was usually NCIS or Law and Order on TV. It naturally became a comfort to me.
As time progressed so did my tastes. For instance one day I managed to muster the courage to touch that demo ps1 counsel at our local used games store after being convinced it was the work of dark magic. After a few moments of examining the controller and pushing the colorful buttons I realized I had made things happen on the display. Let me tell ya’ll, I was so excited that I for a split second I thought I was a wizard.
As I got a little older and matured some so did my interests. One day when I was watching some show on the family television. The show had just ended and began rolling credits and playing its outro music. The music that was playing was like something I had never heard before. It had this strange melody accompanied by a haunting rough voice. I had heard this sort of music before of course from all sorts of media but I was never allowed to listen to it. I grew up a fairly conservative household. So much so that my mother felt that such music was of the devil and was to turned off immediately. There was something special about it though. Possibly it was because it was the forbidden fruit, I wasn’t sure, all I knew is that I wanted more of it. I watched the credits intensely to see who was credited for the music, and I had my name. Nirvana.
Little did I know at the time how much that one moment would chance my life forever. The more I resarched, the more I listened, the more I fell in love. Not just with Nirvana, but with music! The problem was of course I wasn’t ever supposed to have heard it. So I came to the conclusion I could never let my parents know about the band, but maybe I could learn more about this thing called music?
Not to much later there was a musician that came to my school to talk to us about the violin. After a brief lecture she stated that she hosted violin lessons at the local community center and asked if anyone wanted additional information. I jumped at the opportunity and expressed my interest to my Father.
Growing up we never had a lot of money, a good majority of it was due to my Father’s inability to keep a job. He was an incredibly intelligent and intimidating man but he struggled heavily with depression. Due to his struggle it was hard for him to keep motivated with his current position and often burnt out. When I brought up the idea of me taking lessons there was only one outcome . . . No. My world fractured and I rose my voice back, which I never did, and I asked why. He gave me a massive glare and told me ‘there wasn’t enough money, and I wouldn’t like it any way’. Anger grew within me but was quickly suppressed once I remembered who I was talking to. After that moment I just accepted that as my reality. That I wouldn’t like the violin anyway so why even try?
I thought what did I know? What did I like? Robots came to mind.
When High School came around I had a couple of computer courses under my belt. Even though my Mom, siblings and I were still recovering from my parents recent divorce, I still managed to do alright in school. I was filling out my course registration sheet for sophomore year. I had already put my reservation in for computer engineering 1 and was pumped for it! Out of curiosity though I looked over the other courses available and saw Guitar 1 available. My heart skipped a beat and thoughts raced through my head. ‘I hardly every touched a guitar, I hardly ever touched an instrument before!’ It continued ‘I do like music though, but . . . I wouldn’t like it’. Then a different thought passed through my mind ‘I’ve never really tried before’ and with that I marked down my reservation.
I found playing guitar exceedingly difficult at first. I always felt a little behind everyone else in the class. I brought it up to my instructor and he was more then happy to help me with my struggles, and I had many of them. There came a point when I asked him for help almost every day. He never turned me away. He was so supportive and helpful that he made me want to be a better musician.
At this same time my grades in computer engineering started to tank. I lost my motivation for it. It wasn’t that I was even that terrible at engineering, I just couldn’t convince myself to care about it anymore. I didn’t care though because I had music again!
As if on cue though, Mom had gotten remarried. Remarried to a man who did not care for her kids. He and I clashed constantly and eventually it got so bad I moved out in Junior year of High School. I was thrown into the world far before I was ready and lost my direction. I then wasn’t so concerned about grades or music but more so about how to feed myself. I jumped from house to house till I was out of school and had a job decent enough to live off of and rented an apartment with the two room mates I have now. For years I worshiped money and any stability I could get out of necessity. Always looking for the next best job, what could get me more money, and always looked for who I shouldn’t piss off.
That kind of mind set is completely understandable given the circumstance, but it is no way to live.
Life never got easier. Jobs never stuck around long enough, was never able to save enough money, and most of all, never had the time for my music. I never would have any of thous things and I probably never will.
That is why I need to take the initiative. Take my life back and take my music back.
So, if your still with me after all that, that is my goal. I am going to record my journey, my thoughts, and my struggles the best I can. In the hope of that maybe someone out there might join me. To follow your passion and to say fuck to the naysayers. I hope that you join me in my laughter, in my confusion, in my fear, and in my triumph.