The Dark Before The Dawn

(I just wanted to give fair warning that this weeks post is going to be dealing with some heavier stuff. Mostly pertaining to depression and suicide. If this makes you uncomfortable you may want to skip this one and I will have something a little more uplifting next week.)

I am going to start off by saying that I am no expert. I don’t have a degree in psychology and hardly know the first thing about the human mind. However, I am a person who has struggled with depression and suicide.

A few months ago I started following a YouTube personality by the name of Markiplier. For thous who may not be familiar with him, he is video game commentator and sketch comedian. A couple of years ago he started an unofficial partnership with a group of other online entertainers that go by the name Cyndago which seemed very beneficial to them both. They worked closely with each other and became fast friends. Not to mention how many more people they were able to effect through this partnership.

A little over a week ago, one of the co-founders of Cyndago, Daniel Kyre, died after an attempted suicide. This seemingly came out of no where and hit everyone involved very hard. Understandably they have all needed to step back from work to grieve over the loss. The group Cyndago has recently come to the decision that it would be best to disband as a group and go their separate ways after the loss.

Suicide and self harm is something that far to many people suffer with these days, including myself.

I grew up in an abusive household. My Dad was a very controlling a manipulative man who was great at making you feeling horrible if you didn’t do what he wanted you too. Because of his disposition to this, he and my Mom fought constantly. The only way I knew how to cope with it as a kid was self harm. I didn’t understand what I was doing at the time when I hit myself, but I knew was that I wanted to redirect the pain that I felt inside to something more tangible like a bruise or a cut. When I was about thirteen I was diagnosed with depression. This wasn’t surprising considering it ran in the family. My older sister and Father were both effected by the illness. Like them I had to take daily medications for it. The medication helped but it never really went away.

Eventually my parents split and a few years later my Mom got remarried to man who was just as abusive but more direct about it. He hated me and I hated him and it was no secret. He never hit me, but he was never above pointing out my flaws and name calling. He didn’t understand me nor did he want me in his house, so one day I obliged him and walked out the door.

There was a family who was kind enough to take me in and help me through the rest of high school, but thous where some of the darkest months of my life. I felt so alone and scared during that time and I didn’t know what to do. The family that I was staying with meant well, but they weren’t home. They wanted to help but didn’t understand what I was going through. That I had lost everything I was familiar with and knew, and was scared. So I went back to the one method that I was familiar with to cope, self harm. I broke the blade off of a razor and started cutting. It provided temporary relief to manifest the pain physically that I felt inside, but in the long term it was just perpetuating the problem. Somewhere I knew this and was trying to build up the courage to a more permanent solution, suicide.

I kept telling myself that I might do it that night or the next night. Then one night I thought of just ripping of the ‘band-aid’ and doing it. Then a thought raced across my mind. What would happen to my sisters if I did this?  How would they feel about this? How would they cope? What example would I be setting for my seven year old sister? How would the family I am staying with deal with it? Or my Mother and Dad? My Grandparents? My aunts and uncles, my friends, my co-workers, my peers, my neighbors? How would they cope with someone they know and love killing them self?

Then another thought chased through my mind. What would have happened to me? I love music, if I did this I would never hear another note of a beautiful piano melody or the strum of a guitar ever again. I would never get to find out the ending of my own story, were all of this would end up. I may escape the pain, but what would I be giving up?

After this revelation I sat on my bed and just cried. I mean balled. The next day I got help. I started going to a counselor and being more open about my feeling with thous around me.

If you are out there right now, reading this, and are struggling with suicide or depression or self harm, know that I am so sorry. I am sorry for the demons that you are facing. I am so sorry that right now, every day you are finding it hard to wake up, just to deal with all of it again. It is hard and it feels like it will never end. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. That is a valid feeling. It is ok to feel that way. Life is hard and some days it feels like it will find every way to screw you over.

Know that it will pass. You will get through this. You are stronger than it. There are people who love you, friends, family, and neighbors. They want to help, but they need to know what is going on. This monster that you are battling right now is going to lie to you and tell you that no one cares. That no one will miss you. It’s full of shit. I know it’s hard, but don’t listen to it. If you really need it confirmed to you if your friend would miss you, ask them. I guarantee they would. A year after my decision to keep my life, the topic of suicide happened to get brought up with my older sister. I had mentioned the choice I faced and she started crying. I was little confused because I had thought she knew about my struggle, but I had never told her about that night. She was horrified that was something that I even faced.

You don’t know how many people who you would effect and how if you were to make that choice. You have every right to make your own choice about your own life, but know that suicide will not only effect you, but everyone around you. There are many people you effect everyday.

If I may answer one question you may be asking “What’s the point?”. The point is, your a life. You are a sentient being. Not a tree or a blade of grass but a human life. You are blessed with higher thinking, and story to tell. A story of great highs and great lows, of victories and defeats, of love and of success. Right now you may be at a low point or a defeat, but a victory will be just around the corner. A success will come. An opportunity will arise. I won’t lie to you, until then it will be hard as shit. You will have to make that daily decision to keep going, but it will be so worth it. You will arrive one day. You will make it to the top of this treacherous mountain. In the mean time take the small victories, like just getting up for another day, and look for support in thous around you because you can’t do this by yourself. You need the help of others, of loved ones, and they want to help you. They believe in you, and I believe in you.

It is ok to be afraid. Its ok to frustrated and angry with circumstance. You are human and you are ment to feel emotion, but it doesn’t need to control you. If you feel that you just need to cry then find a safe place to do so and cry it out. If you need to yell and punch things, find your sister’s favorite pillow and beat the shit out of it. The point is don’t suppress your emotion, get it out. Let your body have the time to get out all of its worry and anger. Then when it is done you can move on.

Please remember that you will get through this. This season will end. There will be something better after this. In the mean time please, please communicate your feelings to loved ones. They want to help. If you may be having thoughts of suicide right now and need to imminently talk to someone please call 1 (800) 273-8255. They will connect you to a trained counselor who is not trying to sell you anything, they just want to help. Suicide doesn’t need to be the final option anymore. You are worth so much more, and you have a story to tell that many people want to hear, including me.

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